Planning on seeing the new "Thor" movie this weekend?  I am.  If so, be prepared for some shocking plot twists.  We have them here inThe Top Surprises in "Thor:  The Dark World".

 

 

Thor's hammer is repelled by the one thing in the world that's more powerful:  Kat Dennings' chest.

 

 

Thor gives up being a superhero to follow his true calling:  Posing for the cover of romance novels.

 

 

Thor gets kicked out of the Avengers because even the men can't stop gazing into his eyes.

 

 

Thor strikes up a friendship with Chris Brown at their anger management class.

 

 

Obamacare causes Thor and everyone else in the Avengers to lose their group healthcare plan.

 

 

Thor breaks out of character and asks Natalie Portman how an actress with the charisma of a doorknob keeps landing roles.

 

 

Thor quits talking to the rest of the Avengers after they vote Black Widow "Prettiest Hair."

 

 

The villain is only driven into a homicidal rage after going online and spending six straight hours trying in vain to sign up for Obamacare.

 

 

Shockingly, despite its source material, the movie is a CGI-filled, high-octane action-fest, and NOT a somber parable told entirely in ancient Norse.

 

 

As a truly selfless hero, Thor's final mission is murdering Ben Affleck before he can singlehandedly ruin the "Batman" franchise.

 

 

We're actually supposed to be scared of a dude called "Loki," even though his name sounds like a "Pokemon" character.

 

 

Natalie Portman plays an astrophysicist who discovers how to star in terrible prequels to classic science fiction movies.

 

 

Thor takes a leave of absence from saving the Earth after The Hulk leaves mean voicemails for him.

 

 

Thor's hammer gets into an argument with Captain America's shield over which is the more worthless weapon.

 

 

Thor gets romantic with several ladies.  That's right, there's "THOR-play."

 

 

Thor convinces The Incredible Hulk to finally check into rehab for anger management.

 

 

Every five minutes, Thor pulls out his iPhone and takes a picture of his mug of mead and posts it to Instagram.

 

 

Thor spends half the movie asking Captain America to produce his birth certificate or risk being called Captain Kenya.

 

 

It's appropriate that it's a Marvel character . . . because five minutes into it, you "marvel" at how something this awful got made.