Rochester's New Year's Resolutions - by Mark Maira


ROCHESTER'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2022

by Mark Maira

  1. Stop taking our out of town friends and family to Wegmans... a place that sells iceberg lettuce isn't a tourist attraction.
  2. Find at least one non-garbage plate related meal to enjoy... there are a whole bunch of new and different ways to get diarrhea out there.
  3. Stop making fun of other cities for closing down when they get an inch of snow... have you seen us when wind speeds go over 40 MPH? We're like a feral animal trapped in a cage.
  4. Have at least one mayor without potential gun charges... maybe something more productive, like they can buy a really big boat!
  5. Stop bragging about that one time we arrested David Bowie... I mean it may have been the least cool thing we've ever done.
  6. Stop vandalizing Susan B. Anthony's grave every Election Day... there are a ton of other graves to vandalize out there!
  7. Rochester dad's need to avoid saying "we needed it" every summer when it rains.
  8. Rochester's teens should find a new make out spot... really White Lady's Castle? We're still doing that?
  9. Bring Elba into Monroe County... they have a literal "Onion Queen"... we need that here!
  10. Build stronger Frederick Douglass Statues... if all it takes is a slight wind or a couple of drunk frat boys to take your statue down something needs to change.

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