ROCHESTER'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2022
by Mark Maira
- Stop taking our out of town friends and family to Wegmans... a place that sells iceberg lettuce isn't a tourist attraction.
- Find at least one non-garbage plate related meal to enjoy... there are a whole bunch of new and different ways to get diarrhea out there.
- Stop making fun of other cities for closing down when they get an inch of snow... have you seen us when wind speeds go over 40 MPH? We're like a feral animal trapped in a cage.
- Have at least one mayor without potential gun charges... maybe something more productive, like they can buy a really big boat!
- Stop bragging about that one time we arrested David Bowie... I mean it may have been the least cool thing we've ever done.
- Stop vandalizing Susan B. Anthony's grave every Election Day... there are a ton of other graves to vandalize out there!
- Rochester dad's need to avoid saying "we needed it" every summer when it rains.
- Rochester's teens should find a new make out spot... really White Lady's Castle? We're still doing that?
- Bring Elba into Monroe County... they have a literal "Onion Queen"... we need that here!
- Build stronger Frederick Douglass Statues... if all it takes is a slight wind or a couple of drunk frat boys to take your statue down something needs to change.